I don't like creating as much as I like feeling like I'm a creator.
I'm not proud of it. It doesn't make me feel good, or right, or happy. But it is the reason I become paralyzed by the options of what to do with my time. Every time I have a free moment, I think "Perfect! I can do something awesome now! I can draw or write or dance, or I could make a video, or I could take a picture, or I could work on my website.. or I could browse Facebook.... or I could watch this video.... Or play this game.. Or eat some food.. Or take a nap... Or sit here and think and ponder my existence and wonder why I'm not doing anything about wondering too much. How am I supposed to choose?!"
Well, I don't.
I become paralyzed by options and take no action, or the action I take gets deliberated by my primal instincts. In the moment, my priorities and values seem so small compared to my hunger or my boredom or exhaustion. I complain to myself and weasel my way out of doing the thing I really wanted to do at the beginning. Have you ever tried to work out? Yeah, now you understand me. I know I'm not alone.
I have ingested countless podcasts, videos, sermons, books, articles about self-improvement. I stopped recently, because at a certain point you realize, "Wow. I'm not doing any of this." They all say that the best way to get out of this rut is to simply take an action. It doesn't matter what, how big, or whatever, just an action that is in line with your values. When that free moment comes, and you may or may not feel led by the reptile inside of you to something you actually want, not even that action matters. The only one is now.
So, in an effort to act, I sat down at 9:15 and thought, I'll write and then pray and then exercise till 10, then I'll go to the store for groceries, and afterwards, I'll probably do something cool. It's now 10:39, and I still haven't stopped writing, so I guess my perspective on time is a little off. Go figure.
Life is Not Pre-Planned
I am not a spontaneous person. I wish I was, I feel like that way of living is better and more fun and more right and Blah Blah Blah. But... I am just not the type who can go about life, moment to moment, carving some path that doesn't have a direction, and be fine with that. I need direction. I need to know the big picture, and then I can carve my part of the cave wall.
Unfortunately, no one can give my life a direction but myself. When I don't focus and prepare and plan ahead (even if that plan is "improvise") I do not accomplish what's in my heart, only what's in my gut. Then, my heart aches and I feed it more food or video games. It spirals on and on into Oblivion (yes the game, and yes, the existential location).
Ultimately, I find I get so distracted by who I want to be that I forget who I already am.
Keep Track of Your Life
In an effort to get my life in an order that feels right to me, I elected to write things out more. Write them in my journal every morning, write my weekly schedule of objectives every Saturday, write in my blog or on Facebook.It's worked in the past, it hopefully will now.
Humans are obsessed with finding some sense of control and order in their lives, and I recognize that I will never achieve that through writing and ordering my life. That is not what this is about (maybe a little bit). This is about letting go, saying I have no control or ability to order things my way, but I can control myself. And, since I have developed to see the world through a Christian lens, I understand that to be some experience of God. I think that's pretty neat. I'll leave you with some awful Christian-ese imagery:
I will live by the Holy Spirit as I tune in to its radio station.
UGH YIKES GAG GROSS DISGUSTING DELETE IT 6 TIMES AND TRY AGAIN AND THEN WRITE THE ORIGINAL OUT TO SHOW HOW BAD THE FIRST IMAGE WAS.
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