This is my life right now.
Wake up late for work. Sit on Facebook or Instagram experiencing FOMO despite how late in the morning it is. Workout (if I'm lucky). Put on "professional" clothes. Go to work for 40 freaking hours. Walk into an office and prepare to make training videos or graphic design, but get distracted by people with endless IT problems who think I'm the IT guy, even though I'm not. Watch YouTube or Lynda.com tutorials on how to draw letters or play ukulele during lunch. Learn things I didn't want to learn about "key systems" and "password protection" and "mobile device management." Keep trying to make graphic design. Put a sticker on the door. Sift through pages and pages of emails. Make a to-do list longer than my iPad screen will allow. Quickly and incorrectly print out scripts for the children's theatre or film rehearsal that starts in 30 minutes. Notate director's script with 10 different colors. Drive 45 minutes to rehearsal. Arrive late. Get paid hardly anything. Have fun making a fool of myself and feeling alive for 2.5 hours of the day. Drive 45 minutes home. Wonder what the point is of doing anything besides telling stories through film/theater or teaching children to do it. Wonder what happened to my life after college. Wonder why I'm not telling more stories, getting more gigs, feeling proud of my art. Wonder why I don't feel connected to my sense of purpose. Wonder why I'm not brave enough to quit my job and become a freelance artist. Home. Exhausted. Greet beautiful wife. Discuss day. Feel brief connection. Apologize for lack of doing chores and remembering to run errands. Feel guilt and sorrow over not having the energy to show love to her better. Disconnect from self to avoid further pain. Movies, food, and sex. Sleep for a hot second. Do it all again (unless it's Friday, in which case the day has significantly more errands and shopping and food and friends involved, but the same general feelings).
I can't tell if that makes me normal or abnormal, but man does it feel poopy. Like every moment I'm fighting to muster up enough courage to do what I'm meant to do, which is tell stories and teach others to tell stories. I'm not asking for a pity party, I'm just in this perpetual cycle that feels like failing. Like I haven't done enough. Thus, I find myself looking for an excuse to go back to where I felt successful: school.
I'm considering going to grad school for an MFA in Motion Picture Medium at AFDA in Cape Town, South Africa. I chose this place because Ladyfriend really wants to leave Minnesota for a while and live there, so I looked for a reason to make it more feasible. Plus, the school specializes in film AND theater, which are the two art forms I love. With a BA in Theater and an MFA in Motion Pictures, I would have education to back up my passions and give myself the confidence to pursue the dream and purpose and lifestyle I find to be the most important and true to my soul. Maybe that's not enough, and I need to find it in myself to be bold and take the leap, but I can't tell. I don't have the perspective.
I know that I don't need an MFA to create art or get a job in the industry. And I know it's not going to just make everything better all of a sudden. I still have to do hard things that I don't want to do; but maybe it'll make those hard things feel more connected to my purpose, and I won't feel so hollow. Maybe all I need is to work more in my field. Basically, I'm dissatisfied with my current lifestyle and I want to be a full-time artist but I'm not sure if I'm good enough and I think I might need the confidence of an MFA in order to do it.
Yikes. Perhaps you've gone through something that gave you the gumption to change your lifestyle like what I want to do. If so, you're obviously doing it for a reason. Can you tell me your story? Why are you at where you're at?
Anyway... It felt really good to write it all out like this, so thanks for reading.
Actor, Director, Editor, Producer